Friday, December 07, 2007

split personality

There's something about having an injury like mine that brings out both my strengths and weaknesses. About two weeks ago I broke my heel, and less than a week ago my heel was diagnosed as being broken. I am now in plaster for about four or five more weeks and I'm not allowed to put ANY weight on my right leg. None. I can do basically nothing.

The worst: When I am just tired and depressed and lonely, when I've just almost fallen over again, when I've crawled up the stairs and then realised I left the most crucial thing at the bottom, when I've walked about ten metres and already have to sit down again, when I remember something else I was going to do over the next month that I can't do now, when I think of the hard work and physiotherapy and time it's going to take just to get me normal again if I'm lucky - all I can think about is how much this sucks, how much I want to cry, and WHY ME GOD? Who cares about other things going on in the world and how they measure up to this relatively? What difference does it make that I have family around who want to help me and access to medical help? Then I start feeling selfish and it's even worse.

The best: At times there is part of me that looks around wherever I am - maybe the Emergency Department where I got my cast on - and I cannot escape seeing people that are far worse off than me, like the woman who lay on her floor with a broken shoulder for a whole day until a friend found her, or the old man who is lying on his bed looking grey and not speaking. There are other times when I wonder if it's not actually a bad thing to understand what it feels like to be cut off from things you want to do, to be housebound, to be dependent on others for basic necessities. And sometimes I almost want to thank God for using my accident, a not wonderful thing in itself, to teach me something.

I still need prayer to get through the depressing part though!

My point is, though - maybe it's not great that when I'm at my weakest I am despairing, yelling at God for allowing this to happen. But I think perhaps God doesn't need us to be cheerful all the time. Maybe it's better if we can praise him joyfully in all circumstances and stay optimistic even when it's hardest. But the important thing is that it's God I'm yelling at, God I'm imploring, and God I'm leaning on when I find it hardest to stand on my own (and I say that both literally and figuratively!).


LEstes65 said...

Ah - you've found the beauty of the pain. I loved reading this. Not happy that you've had down parts. But knowing that you were able to gain some perspective from it all. And my dear, it's normal to whine. Every situation is relative. We all do it. You're just human is all.

Wish I could come and be your servant.

Trish Ryan said...

Oh--I'm so sorry to hear about your heel! You're on the prayer list. I'm not the world's best receiver of the silver lining part of the clouds, but I can't deny that they're in there. Hang on. Feel free to whine. Let people help you. Repeat as necessary.

Bonsai said...

Jesus wept. He wasn't happy all the time, and we're not expected to be either. He just wants us to be close and trusting enough to Him that we can tell Him every little thing we think and feel. don't feel guilty about whining to Him.